April Epistle

Communication Is Really Listening With The Heart

We’ve all heard from communications experts who purport the idea that good communication focuses on the three aspects of dialogue: the sender, the audience, and the message. While the ingredients have not changed for generations, let’s consider how we might amend the meaning of effective communication.

Effective communication essentially means I say something, you hear it, and we act upon what was said. I invite you to journey with me, if you will, into a deeper meaning of communication. Communicating means a total involvement of you into the message and idea that is being conveyed. It is all inclusive. Listening leads to communicating. We have all heard therapists say “communicate with your spouse”. What does that really mean? I believe it means we must first listen in order to understand. Once understanding comes, we have the power and ability to respond strategically and spiritually. James 1:19 says, “be quick to hear, slow to speak,…” The idea conveyed here is the anatomy. Anatomically speaking, you have two ears and one mouth; which would suggest that you should listen twice as much as you speak. Interesting huh…? Do you know someone who is a chatter box and has little or no substance to their words? Proverbs 10:19 says, “Where there are many words, sin is unavoidable”. Think about it: does my speaking invite sin into my conversation? This is not an excuse for the strong silent type, but it is a clarion call to the believer to stop and think about what is being heard and what is being said in our conversations.

While counseling a married couple once, I said to them, “…find out what your wife wants and/or needs and give it to her.” To this the husband responded, “She wants me to talk. She wants to get into my head” (the wife is saying ‘Amen’). While this was on the humorous side, the implications that erode their marriage were far from humor. “Listen to her Man!!! She wants something from you. If you don’t find a way to give it to her, she’ll find it somewhere else”, I said. This got his attention. The point of this illustration is to connect the dots of speaking and listening. It is a mutual exchange. A dialogue. The dialogue is Christ centered and person oriented. The dialogue is not about you. What is it that the other person wants or needs to share with you? Listen with the soul. Embrace the points they are saying and even what is un-said. See the passion or anxiety they feel while sharing with you. Connect with that and give it back to them in your response. This is what therapists call empathy. Putting yourself in the shoes or experience of another. The idea is not to leave them at that point, however, it is to advance the conversation and dialogue and move it to meaning and solution if that is what is called for. In order to listen you must be quiet. You must calm your soul. Shut out the competing voices. Listen with intent. (Sounds like we’re talking about God huh?) See how you fit into the conversation and interject yourself, soul, and spirit into the exchange. Listening implies involvement and knowledge. It is a learning process. Some call it active listening. You can practice this with God in daily devotion and meditation. Use those listening skills in your earthly conversations. Constantly talking about business and money is fine in its place, but do you know any thing else to talk about? Speak life into the person…”life and death are in the power of the tongue.”

Dear friends, I encourage you to build lasting relationships, especially with your spouse. Nothing else really matters. If you don’t like the one you have …tough…you’ve gotten them now. Learn to love. God will support that prayer and action. Listen with your soul. Walk faithfully and always believe the best about the persons in your relationships. Let your relationships be full of grace and spirit. Love deep, Love hard, Love long. Make the most of it…today is a great day for listening. Jump in and see where it takes you.

fhall